st_x5_494 | Coming Back Home (Closed to Peter)

His hands slipped into his pant pockets and he exhaled a little. Why? He looked at Peter and his current state.

"I need to think." A rare moment of Truth. "...I'm not used to..." One hand comes back out of his jeans and he made a vague gesture in front of him. "All this. I'm used to being alone and being told want to think and all that bullshit."

He paused.

"It's not you, it's me." And for once Alec uses that line and actually means it.

Peter wants to ask Alec to stay because every time Alec goes, he worries. But Peter knows he can't ask for that, because it'd be selfish. So he doesn't ask.

Peter takes a breath, his shoulders rising a little with the act. He's starting to feel less teary; his eyes are burning less than they were before. He stops looking at the floor and looks up at Alec.

"Do you think you're going to ever be okay with this?"

Peter isn't just asking for himself. Selfishly, yeah, he wants Alec to be okay with this because he doesn't want to worry. But he also wants Alec to be okay with this because Alec deserves to be. He deserves to be comfortable with not being along with being able to make his own choices with being able to think his own thoughts.

Sometimes, he thinks Alec thinks he doesn't deserve that.

Alec never had the urge to hug someone as much as he had a few minutes ago, save for Rachel, but he definitely had never felt the urge to do it twice in under ten minutes. He didn't move, though. He hated how Peter seemed so upset about a life that wasn't his. Moments like this... how could anyone look at Peter and wish him to fight against people who might kill him one day?

Suddenly Alec knew exactly how Max felt about Manticore. He remembered back to the barn where those kids from Manticore were hiding and how Max refused to leave them despite the tactical disadvantage they were in. Alec understood Max a whole lot better now.

"Talking about my feelings?... no, probably not." He paused, felt bad for some reason, then shrugged. "But maybe I'm getting better at being with people..." Slowly, but surely.

"I'm happy," Peter says, though he doesn't sound happy. Not because he isn't, but because it's hard to sound happy when your nose is drippy and your eyes are red, and your throat has that weird clogged feeling it gets whenever you end up crying.

Maybe it's not a lot to some people, but to Peter it's a start. It's better than what it was the first time they met what feels like an eternity ago now. Maybe being roommates helped with that a little. On some level, Peter thought that maybe Alec needed him as much as he needed Alec.

At least he hoped so.

Peter sniffs, then wipes at his nose with the back of his hand. He looks down at the carpet again. "I sometimes, you know," Peter says, because it's hard, somehow to admit it, even though it shouldn't be. "I sometimes get scared, but I just -- I just end up doing it anyway."

Peter doesn't think that Alec will get it. He insisted the other day that being afraid was what would keep him alive, but on some level, he knew that it wasn't enough. There probably wasn't anything that would get him to stop. Eddie had threatened to kill him and everyone he loved, but even that real and legitimate threat to May and Ned couldn't stop him. And it didn't stop him from saving Eddie afterward, either.

He's pretty sure if he told Alec that, he wouldn't understand that either.

"I was never saying you shouldn't do it." Alec wished he wouldn't, but he knew Peter couldn't stop himself. Alec couldn't either, even when he pretended he could. Like when he drove away from those kids in the barn with an 'I'm saving myself, good luck' air and then turned around and helped to save their ass in the end. As much as Alec wanted to be selfish, in the end, he couldn't quite like bad things happen either. Not anymore, anyways. Not since Max had freed him.

"You just have this way of making it sound like you're going on some trip to an amusement park or something and you don't stop to acknowledge how fucked up something is. Like you think you're invincible." He sighed and found a wall to lean on. "I've seen that before. I've seen it in kids your age and in people my age. Hell, even I used to be like that. Those people always got hurt. Or worse - I got people killed for thinking I was some untouchable bad-ass." He had turned his fear into over-compensation and that hadn't been good.

"Now I just acknowledge I'm scared and turn it into energy to fight." He paused. "My enemy back home is stronger than us and doesn't feel pain and are harder to kill than any transgenic ever made - scared means we don't underestimate them."

Peter thinks about this for a moment and continues staring down at the carpet.

"I know I'm not invincible," he says finally. "I used to get beaten up at school. The only difference is that now I get beaten up by people with alien tech instead of high school kids."

Years of bullying proved helpful when he came home with a bruise on his face after a night of patrolling. May just assumed it was just the kids from school rather than some handbag-stealing thug fighting her vigilante costumed nephew. He had convinced her not to go to the principal because it'd just make the bullying worse. To his surprise, she believed him even though he was usually a bad liar.

He took that in, paused in silence, then found himself asking in return a question he hadn't thought about before. "Do you look forward to it? If all crime stopped tomorrow, would that upset you?"

What would he do if there was nothing to fight? Alec didn't know the answer. He expected to die before finding this out.

"Yeah, I look forward to helping people," Peter says. "But if I didn't need to do it because everything in the world was okay..."

Peter takes a breath.

"I'd be okay with it."

He really would. Peter just wasn't naive enough to think that something like that might actually happen someday.

Alec gave a small nod. That was good enough for him.

"Look... I'm not saying you can't think it's cool to be an Avenger or fight with Stark." Alec actually avoided an eyeroll, but he almost popped a blood vessel preventing it. He really hated this guy he had never met. "Just maybe consider how it sounds to other people. Consider why you don't tell your Aunt May everything or, I'm assuming, Liz. "

He paused.

"Then again, we're two different people from different worlds. If Max came here from the future to tell me I had to battle five breeding cult freaks while a pregnant girl gave birth and I was shot in the arm, I don't think I'd be bouncing off the walls with excitement."

"I don't tell them because I don't want them to worry," Peter insists, and he knows he's coming dangerously close to insisting that he can handle it and that's probably just going to tick Alec off, so he's just going to let it slide. He's not sure that Alec has anyone in his life who he doesn't want worrying about him.

Peter's pretty sure that Alec thinks that no one does.

"I think it's different," Peter says, though he's not going to argue. "If you got to fight alongside the person you admired most to do something that'd have a real impact... wouldn't you be excited?"

Peter's not sure that Alec even has anyone he admires. Or if he does, he doubts it's anyone Alec admires as much as he does Mr. Stark.

"I grew up watching the Avengers on TV saving people. Saving me. Being able to call myself one of them, it's like getting elected President."

Alec was pretty sure his President hated his job. Ever since the Pulse, politicians got a lot of slack for everything. Then again, the government was corrupt, so maybe they didn't care.

"If you think they'll worry, then shouldn't you at least know to worry a little bit? You can handle things and still worry about the outcome. If you're going to fail If it's the last time you'll see whoever. blah blah blah. The worry keeps you on your goal to win."

"I do worry," Peter insists, sulking. He's looking less sad now, and more like his normal self. "When you win, bad things can still happen."

It's almost as if Peter is determined to prove Alec wrong.

"Of course. Sometimes you have to ruin someone's life to stop them from doing bad things." Or kill them, like Max had with his twin, Ben. Or like Alec had to with some of the lesser evolved transgenics. "Sometimes the best solutions the shittiest one."

Peter thinks about Eddie and other-Liz and other-Liz's mom.

"I wish you could come back with me and see what everything is like," he says. Not just because he really believes that Alec would have a better time understanding if he could see the same things he did, but also because Peter was pretty convinced that his reality was better than Alec's.

And he just wanted to introduce him to everybody.

Alec's the only person than Liz that he's really wanted to take back home with him. Peter wonders if other people say this to one another or if it's just him and Liz.

Edited 2018-05-20 03:58 (UTC)

"I don't think I'd fit in." Alec looked at him, being honest and not just self-deprecating. Still, he had a feeling that might upset Peter, so he added more in jest, "Plus your Aunt would probably kill me."

"You fit in here," Peter points out.

"Only a little, and people still want to kill me." Like that Raccoon, he's pretty sure. How he ever had to worry about a raccoon, he'd never know.

"Why do you say only a little?" Peter looks at him expectantly, awaiting an answer.

He paused to think about how he wanted to answer that. "Because I'm always pissing people off and generally getting stern faces at my direction."

"You don't think people don't do that where I live?"

Some things were universal. That was one of them.

He sighed. "What would I even do in your world?" Bike messenger was not exactly his dream job back home. He used it for the sector pass.

Peter thinks about that, then asks: "What would you want to do if you could do anything?"

He quickly adds: "Drinking and sleeping with women doesn't count."

He didn't know. Alec never had the answer to this question. He should prepare one for Peter some time.

"I don't know... be rich?"

Peter wants to facepalm. Why hadn't he thought to put that in his list of exclusions?

"You have to do something to be rich," he says. "Or be born that way, but that isn't an option here."

He did a palms-up. "I don't know. I just sort of, I don't know - survive - back home. It's not like I have any long term plans or anything."

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